Should b sleeping.

Dog barf again. . . . I think he is allergic to clean sheets. Seriously need to consider having him sleep elsewhere. Aww, but those puppy dog eyes are too hard to resist.

Listening to cd a patron gave me. Woohoo, go beach boys! Definitely not 1 of their bests. On first listen, I'm going with cheese, repetitive, & flat. But a few songs are singable & I'm sure it could potentially grow on u. After googling and researching, was surprised to find . . . cd is no longer produced . . . a connection between manson, melcher, murphy brown, & tate (very interesting) . . . Manson, a musician ?. . . Ha, and john stamos singing - i had to youtube it. Yep, they have video, lol. Wow, awful song (forever), hot guy. I need to replay . . .

the beach was a no go because of rain, isn't it awful when you can't remember what the hell you did, lol.

No call from the school : ( I thought I had it.

feeding cats while friend is away on Jamaica trip *sigh*. O, well this gives me the perfect opportunity to use an urb dic word . . . I would love to go to Jamaica, but I have a bad case of recessionitis.

"Aruba, Jamaica, ooh I wanna take you to
Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama
Key Largo Montego, baby why don't we go
Ooh I wanna take you down to Kokomo,
we'll get there fast and then we'll take it slow
That's where we wanna go, way down in Kokomo."
-Beach Boys

I love urban dictionary! Bitchassness, what? O, that just made my day ♥.

Such an unproductive day - haven't heard anything from the school yet, not a good sign - in desperate need of a haircut, been flat ironing the crap out of my hair and it shows - my skin hates me, concealer overload - wish I had a pool, and a tan - insanely jealous of Jamaica trip that I can't afford, mmm, coconut rum - love the smell of suntan lotion in the morning, maybe i should use it as a perfume - beach on sunday? - dog barfed on sheets again, he doesn't let me sleep through the night - wish I was multilingual - work comes too quickly, i just know i'm going to oversleep tomorrow morning or rather this morning - mug shots - fallon as a night show host, hmm, i'm not sold

Watching the news - We have coyotes? Really?

Must check up on brother and sister

"I'm safe Up high Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain Inside You're like protection
How do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth"

-Pink

School budget news making me sick . . .

too much coffee = jitters

The interview last Friday went really well. The administration and office staff were so welcoming. They made me feel more comfortable than any school I have ever visited. The timing of the position sounds like it would be an excellent fit; allowing me to give a full 2 weeks notice. Don't want to burn my bridges...should find out by the end of this week...

Splurged and had my first professional pedicure (a.k.a. little piece of heaven). The massage was awesome. I could use a full body massage though, my back is so tight.

Really stressed about money issues, not sure how i'm going to manage the next month or so. Damn student loans. I wonder if I can defer them again. Probably not . . . I need to start growing that money tree in the backyard or start doing something more devious : ) Yuck! I really want to avoid even looking at my nonexistant account. Ignorance is bliss : ). Must take more subbing assignments and spend less. Honestly, I really am not a spender. I am definitely more of a saver, but I have run through my savings paying bills.

School called about a temp position they have available and I now have an interview on Friday. Doesn't look to be a great school, but I am now desperate. I really should have taken the last position offered to me, but. . . too late, I froze. Partially because the school brought back bad memories and partially because it was happening too fast. I don't do well when things are flung at me high speed. I tend to shut down. Maybe it is my way of trying to hold onto that security blanket. Anyway, the school needed references. Particularly one from my current employer, which I really don't think they have the right to ask for because I am currently with them. I told the secretary this, but it didn't fly and she finagled the info out of me. I really hope I don't get shit for it. I should not have given the info out.

Subed yesterday for a fifth grade class in the great p hills area. It was only a half day, but thank god! Very rowdy group! I'm not sure how their teacher survived the year. She even had some 13 year olds in the class. I understand that they are academically on the level of a 5th grader, but socially and developmentally I'm not sure it is a good idea to have students with such a broad age range in the same class. We had good moments, but the last 30 min or so was torture. Even *Bribery* was uneffective. Subs are greatly underpaid as are teachers. Lately, I wish I could go back to school and redo it. I think I would become a pharmacist or something. I guess every profession has its downfalls, but i'm not so sure . . .

Feeling the urge to go on a tropical vacation. Omg, that would be pure bliss. Spending days sipping icy drinks in front of a secluded blue ocean, like a corona add. But for now, I really need to get some housework done before work . . .


"You look so fine
I want to break your heart
And give you mine
You're taking me over

It's so insane
You've got me tethered and chained
I hear your name
And I'm falling over"

-Garbage

Incredibly tired, but yet still can't fall asleep. Missed out on sub opportunities this week . . . I really need to push myself to take assigments even if they aren't appealing. But it's so early in the morning. .. Ugh, I have to be up in a little while for work. A school called and wanted me to get a reference form filled out by my current employer = problematic.

"It all comes back to you, you'll finally get what you deserve
Try and test that you're bound to get served
Love's what I got
Don't start a riot
You'll feel it when the dance gets hot"

-Sublime

Work was fine. I managed to get through the whole day without incident, thank God.

1) Stuffed from a delicious dinner of Chinese food and chocolate, feeling slightly guilty for it
2) I'm trying to build up the umph to work out on the elliptical and not succeeding
3) Psyched about the beach tomorrow, but tired at the same time
4) Proud that I took a sub position yesterday. Yes it was Kinders, i survived, and enjoyed it
5) I really appreciate and am thankful for my sweet, awesome coworkers, we are truely a team and have each others backs . . . I think this fact is also making it so hard to leave . . .
6) But I really need to stop stalling and get back on the horse, it is slightly pathetic remaining in this stasis, even if I feel slight reprieve from career related stress, I now have other stressors, monetary stress is at the top of the list

"I hope someday somebody wants to hold you for 20 minutes straight and that's all they do. They don't pull away. They don't look at your face. They don't try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms and hold on tight, without an ounce of selfishness in it." - Waitress

Feeling insecure ...research has suggested that more attractive people are happier in life - makes sense, but still. . .

Can you build a thicker skin, or is it something you are born with? Would like to work on this.

Sometimes I feel too vulnerable and transparent



"I hate my job, all of my rich friends I hate everyone to the bitter end. Nothing turns out right, there's no end in sight I hate my life!" -Theory of a Deadman

Mood: Relaxed, thanks to some cabernet . . .maybe i'll grab another glass : )
Watching: Family Guy
Music: Limp Bizkit, Break Stuff

Had one hell of a day at work... lady did a freakin' 180 on me. And the worst of it, she wasn't even talking to me, but behind my back to some of my coworkers loud enough for everyone to hear. Why can't people be decent and respectful of others? A freakin' personal attack she had no right to launch. Really? Damn bitch. Arrgg! I'm so frustrated/hurt/embarrassed/Pissed off!

I'm getting another glass of wine....*

I'm in serious need of a vacation, planning on the beach this Sunday. Too far away . . .

Happier news: I reconnected with an old high school friend, my B. I have missed her!

"Its just one of those days When you don't wanna wake up
Everything is fucked
Everybody sux
You don't really know why But you want justify
Rippin' someone's head off
No human contact
And if you interact
Your life is on contract
Your best bet is to stay away motherfucker
It's just one of those days!!"

Ok so it has definitely been a very, very long time since I have thought about blogging. Where shall I start? Well, lets just start at this present moment. Hmm... I feel as if my situation reflects a cross between someone going through a damn midlife crisis and one of those children who turn out to be no good bums, still living with their parents, with absolutely no amibition in life. Ha, attractive place to start, no?! After graduating, receiving my degree, and picking up the first job offered to me, I thought I had everything. It all came so easy. Well, I guess I'm paying for it now!

The job turned out to be a nightmare, and maybe I could have handled it if I were a different person -more experienced and hardened - but it just wasn't meant to be. So, I left and took some much needed time off. Looking back at my decision, some days I regret it, but most I do not. It was the right decision to make....ha, I'm still trying to analyze it, damn it, I can't just let it lie.

Anyway, I was unsuccessful in taking a position in my field, and in great need of money, took a filler job. One that is relatively stress free. A job that doesn't really pay the bills, but I have been able to get by with....until now. I can hardly believe I've been with this place for almost a year. It is true, the older you get the faster time seems to slip by.Now this place hasn't been too terrible to deal with ....Actually, it has been rather pleasant.

Anyway, I have been semi job searching this whole year and because of our terrible economic climate, have unfortunately received little in return for my efforts. I can't say that I haven't gotten anything back though. I have received a few temporary position offers. Now I have been hesitant about taking them because of the insecurity of having nothing once the position ends. I do like to play it safe, but I know sometimes you just have to take a risk.

Which brings me to my latest offers. I interviewed at 2 places last week and both offered me the position . . . I turned both of them down. Why? Well, to begin with, I'm worried about not having money or a job after the position is over. Second, there is no down time, I have to jump in immediately, giving my current place of employment no notice at all. I really hate time pressures, they stress me out! Finally, as my mother puts it, I have cold feet. After my first job experience, I worry whether or not I'm good enough. I'm not so sure I am.... I have never failed at anything before and it has truely messed with my head. I still enjoy the field though, I like doing what I was trained to do, but am I good enough? This situation still haunts me, was there anything I could have done to change the outcome? To be better.... I just want perfection, is that too much to ask!

Anyway, I'm not sure what my next move will be. Should I hold out for next year, or just try again and take a temp. At least I know that I'm hirable. I'm thinking the best strategy would be to take a temp and then try to get a perm in the fall. Is it really going to happen? Hmm... I am a true Libra, full of indecision and doubt.

God, I hate the interview process, but maybe its what I need...excessive practice, ha! I swear I've gone on so many interviews this year.


“Oh, Jennifer, you know I always tried
Before you say goodbye Leave the bourbon on the shelf
And I'll drink it by myself
And I love you endlessly,
Darling don't you see
I'm not satisfied
Until I hold you tight”

-The Killers